I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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