Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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