Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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