My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
