think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
