he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
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He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
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It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?