my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
