Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
