I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
