I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
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You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
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Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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