fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
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My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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