Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
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I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
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Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched