you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So much rum. So many feels.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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