I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
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I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
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HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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