I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
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I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
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I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.