My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
