when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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