I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
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He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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