I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
