hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
