there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
