Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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