god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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