i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
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it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Sex on roller skates
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
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He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here