i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store