he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.