Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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