saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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