I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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