dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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