id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
