i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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