I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
