yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
