You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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