I met the friendliest cop last night
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
