dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I wish there were birth control emojis
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
