My Higher Power is John Stamos
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
