I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
