Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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