"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
