I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You need Xanax blowdarts
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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