chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
