My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
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I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
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I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
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