I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.