I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol