ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.