just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
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I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
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Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes