need another drink. this is the easiest way
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So apparently I’m into choking now
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize