Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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