He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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