Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
