This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.