WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i dont even know how to be here
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"