Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
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I got her a Nickelback box set.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
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You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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